Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
