don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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