am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
