we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
