Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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