3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Where is the hickey?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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