dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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