I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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