before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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