tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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