she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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