cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
