My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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