Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
