I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
