Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
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