I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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