Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
