just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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