Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
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