I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why can't burritos get me drunk
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize