she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
