So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
