I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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