you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
