we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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