you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
