Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Never underestimate the power of titties
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
