Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
