Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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