the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Fuck now we have to have sex
In a bet, need to win
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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