Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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