Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
