my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
