I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
