Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize