After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
