I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
