i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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