so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
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MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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