Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He? As in you personified your dick?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
