So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
