Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
