i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
