at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You've changed since you got that strap on
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
