Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
