i would punch a child for taco bell
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize