I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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