plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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