Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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