I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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