How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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