he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize