I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
