she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He felt like a one man threesome
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
