So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
