I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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