They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
