20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
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