these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
