as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize